Earlier today I was asked by President Trump to resign my position of CEO, editor and blogger-in-chief of Not Fake News to serve as the new Secretary of the United States Space Force (USSF).
After Vice President Pence (what a wonderful man!) made his brilliant announcement today that "The time has come to establish the United States Space Force," I received a surprise call from President Trump, who asked if I would accept the position of USSF Secretary in his administration. (He actually used the acronym.)
At first, I was really excited because the new USSF already has its own anthem. But then, coming back to earth, I asked him "Why me, Mr. President?"
"Well, Bob, I have read in Not Fake News (a terrific publication) about your coverage of the Kecksburg UFO landing in 1965 and since that was a true outer space experience, I think you are just as qualified as anybody, perhaps more so, to take on this new challenge. Everybody says so."
"But, Mr. President," I said. "I'm 75 years old. You need somebody younger to do this. I don't know anything about outer space except there are stars and planets, and I'm not even sure of the difference. Plus, I don't know if I want to get in a rocket-propelled space ship and ride around looking for enemy targets."
"Don't talk like that, Bob," the Trumpster said. "Hell, I'm 72, and I'm President of the United States. So, what's another three years? And you would only be responsible for one thing, not the whole government. And look at the great job I'm doing, by the way."
"I don't know about this," I said. "First, I think it's a ridiculous idea -- there is already a section of the Air Force that deals with space and maybe it should just be beefed up a little instead of establishing an entirely new department."
"I thought of that," replied Trump. "But if we did that, I couldn't really call it the Space Force, and that's what I want. I want to be known as the President Who Conquered Outer Space and Protected it from All Our Foes."
"Like who, Russia and China?" I asked.
"No, Bob. Like England, or Great Britain or the United Kingdom, whatever."
"You're kidding me," I responded. "The UK isn't a threat in outer space. That would be Russia and China, or maybe even your buddy, the Rocket Man."
"You've got that wrong, Bob. Russia is our friend -- look at Putin, everybody knows that. And China is warming up to us because of my tariffs. Generating great respect. And Rocket Man can't go into outer space -- he's just into nuclear bombs. So that's nothing. Besides he's too fat."
"Mr. Trump," I said (deciding not to call him Mr. President anymore), I am going to decline your offer. It's a wacky idea, even more of a waste of money than your stupid wall, and nothing more than another way to feed your huge ego."
There was stunned silence on the phone.
"You're fired!" he said, finally.
Whew, that was close. Now I can get back to Not Fake News and write about real stuff, my true calling.