Lana Marks, the wealthy designer of exclusive, prohibitively expensive handbags, was nominated this week by President Trump as the next US ambassador to South Africa. Secret sources tell Not Fake News that she plans to use her post to snare an unending supply of wild animals for a new line of elegant purses.
Marks, a member of Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort, which, of course, endears her to the president, was born and raised in South Africa and speaks two local languages, according to the White House.
But the real reason for her selection was so she could obtain warthog, giraffe and hippopotamus skins for her luxury handbags, which now are confined to such mundane skins as ostrich and alligator. Even so, her prices reportedly are $19,000 and more -- even up to $400,000 for one clutch.
We learned exclusively that it's all part of a deal that also involves Trump's sons, Don, Jr. and Eric, known as avid big game hunters. They will be hired by Marks to lead expeditions to "harvest" the warthogs, giraffes and water buffaloes to provide raw material for the handbags. It's just another way that Trump and his family are planning to profit from the presidency.
It was also learned that the Republican National Committee is planning to sponsor a fund-raising silent auction at Mar-a-Lago featuring the new exotic handbags. "We think we can raise hundreds of thousands of dollars -- perhaps into the millions," an unidentifiable RNC source told Not Fake News.
Fashion experts, who wish to remain anonymous so they could be candid, say that venturing into handbags made of warthog and water buffalo skins will be "like something never seen before" in the women's purse industry. That's because both species like to wallow around in muddy water and South African mud has special characteristics that toughen the hide when dried without making it rough. After all, it is already used in make-up.
"That mud makes the hide so tough that you couldn't penetrate it with a .357 magnum," one expert said. "Yet, when cured, it can be enchantingly beautiful, and the warthog hair makes it especially attractive in a handbag. The water buffaloes? Not so much."
What about the giraffes?
That same expert practically scoffed. "Well, giraffes are just gorgeous," she snipped. "All those beautiful markings? No handbag would be the same. How elegant!"
'The Turtle' is the Key
Of course, all of this depends upon Lana Marks winning confirmation by the U.S. Senate. With Republicans remaining in control, that probably is a slam dunk -- especially since Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has already placed an advance order for a warthog handbag for his wife, U.S. Transportation Secretary Elaine Chau.
McConnell, often called "the turtle" because of his unique neck, actually had hoped for a handbag made of turtle, but was informed by Marks that turtle shell is too hard and wouldn't work for a purse. And, she added, the only other part of a turtle that might work would be the neck, but that would only provide enough hide for a small change purse.
"I wouldn't want you to use the neck anyway," McConnell is said to have told her.
Note: We learned all that McConnell stuff from an unidentified staff source close to both the senator and Secretary Chau.