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Me a Birdbrain!



On Facebook, my little sister, Beth, called me a birdbrain! Can you believe it? She, the baroness of bling, the princess of pretty, the queen of cute, had the nerve to call me a birdbrain because I attempted to pass off a new bird feeder as a birthday present for my wife, Jackie.

Frankly, I thought that was uncalled for. I am her big brother. I deserve some respect. Remember, I am the first born of our family, and male. Enough said.

So here's what happened.

Yesterday was Jackie's birthday, and as of Saturday I still didn't have a present for her. Not even a card. She loves song birds and such and has worked hard to attract them to our yard here in South Carolina, which seems to be difficult because most of the birds around here seem to be mostly sea gulls, doves and sparrows. Not even a robin to be seen, and certainly no bluebirds, orioles, bluejays or red headed woodpeckers like we used to have in Maryland.

The woodpeckers used to peck on our neighbor's gutters and drove them crazy.

But I digress.

So, on Saturday, realizing that one of our bird feeders had pretty much rotted itself to death, I headed to Lowe's to purchase a new one. I had planned to stop on the way home at a jewelry store to buy Jackie a birthday gift, but I ran short on time and got the bright idea that since she really loves birds, maybe the bird feeder would do. After all, she did tell me she didn't need anything for her birthday, and this was at least something.


So I brought the bird feeder home, filled it with fresh seed, and hung it outside our kitchen window next to the breakfast nook where she can see it. At dinner Saturday evening, I told her to look out the window. "See what I bought you for your birthday," I said with a grin.

She looked out.

"What?" she said. "What are you talking about?"

"The bird feeder. Look, I even put fresh seed in it and some suet."

"Hmmm," she said. "I can't wear that on my arm."

Well, I thought. This calls for drastic action. The bird feeder isn't going to cut it. I can't slide through this one.


So, I made an emergency trip to the mall, where I visited Reed's Jewelers. There, a helpful saleswoman clearly understood my dilemma, as I had told her the bird feeder story. She helped me pick out a very nice amethyst bracelet.

Needless to say, on Sunday morning when I gave it to her, Jackie was thrilled. All day long she told me how much she loved it.

OK, I learned my lesson.

Number 1. When a woman tells you she doesn't need anything for her birthday, buy her something she wants but doesn't need.

Number 2. When buying a woman a birthday present, don't EVER think that a bird feeder will substitute for bling. To think that....is really STUPID!

Personally, however, I think the bird feeder is really nice. Except, it's been two days now and no birds have come. Not even a sparrow.

UPDATE: Said Jackie upon rereading this entry: "I'm so glad I got my bracelet! It's so much nicer than a freaking bird feeder!"

UPDATE 2: Lisette, the helpful saleswoman at Reed's Jewelers, just sent us a thank you card. She said "Next time I have a bird-brain man who says his wife doesn't need any more jewelry, I'm going to refer him to your blog. I couldn't have put it any better!"

#JackieCristiano #bling #birdfeeder #birthday

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Not Fake News . Bob Gatty . 2719 Scarecrow Way, Myrtle Beach, SC . 301-908-1918. www.notfakenews.biz