Updated: Dec 28, 2019
As a Christmas “gift” to Donald Trump’s supporters, his campaign launched a website titled How to Win an Argument With Your Liberal Relatives. Using the tried and true argument strategy developed by Pee Wee Herman, the website offers ways to combat the facts with the classic “I know you are, but what am I?” strategy.
This strategy has been used to refute Climate Change (It’s snowing. So what?), immigration (We speak American here!), religious freedom (God is an old white dude.), impeachment (Obama did it!) and any other stretch of logic that fits.
Here are more helpful suggestions the site omitted that would further help loyal Trumpsters defeat their logic-based never-Trumper relatives.
For example, there could have been links like “How to Come Up With a Nasty Nickname", which would include a list of biting combinations gleaned from listening to elementary students taunting each other on the playground. This would truly disarm your opponent’s logic by damaging their fragile ego and make them curl up into a ball, unable to eat or bathe for weeks.
Another useful link would be “How to Launch a Tweetstorm”. This would teach the Trumper how to create random ideas in 280 characters. Then, snowflake opponents would be unable to refute multiple arguments because they are written in the same style as Jabberwocky; that undeniable logic created by conservative genius Lewis Carroll. Using totally random language, and even invented words like “covfefe” and “hamberders” would leave them reeling, unable to refute, much less understand, what you’re talking about.
The link “Alternative Facts and How to Create Them” could be especially useful in winning your arguments. Authored by White House lackey Kellyanne Conway, this would offer such suggestions as “When your opponent starts making sense, interrupt them by shouting random ideas REALLY loud”. For suggestions, refer to the previous “How to Launch a Tweetstorm” link.
This section would also provide links to other sites like “Windmills Bad/Coal Good”, “Walls and How to Build Them Using Other People’s Money”, “God is a Republican” and the extremely useful link where you can both make a campaign contribution and provide dirt on the Bidens.
If all these attempts fail to win the argument, just shout “FAKE NEWS!”. Then, gather fellow Trumpers around and start chanting “Lock Her Up!”. This will surely disorient the snowflakes, causing them to retreat to their Safe Space.
Using these suggestions would be a sure fire way of promoting the peace and unity this holiday season has come to symbolize. Then, just savor your victory as you bask in the glory of your insanity.
Happy Holidays!...I mean Merry Christmas! After all, Trump has “saved” Christmas, you know.